In the congregation of our hearts
For many of us, our experience of church and of religion comes with rules and lines and staying on the "right side" or what is claimed as God's side of the issues. Often it seems like things are black and white. And many times, when we feel like we don't fit in with those on "the right side", then we feel like we must be on the wrong side and that there is no place for us. Or if there could possibly be a place for us, it is only in the distant future, possibly only after death, when we have reached perfection. For many, even that feels out of reach.
I have spent a great deal of my over 50 years on this earth in feeling like I fall short and that I haven't been enough. Not only that, but as I get older, I keep seeing even more ways where I am falling short and am just not enough. I should be getting better in the process of learning, but instead, many times, I feel even farther away from the ideal. Sometimes ignorance seems to be bliss.
Recently, what I have also been finding is that there is more room than I had imagined. There isn't just one way of seeing things. Often God's word and the space within His commands have more options than we assume. As I have learned how some of this works, it has brought peace to my heart and mind, and my hope is that some of these things may bring peace to your hearts and minds as well.
We often see things as good or bad and black or white. Many of us were taught this over and over. Feeling like we know that we are on the right side of the line feels safe. We are taught not to get close to the line—There is a story about the driver who gets hired because he won’t even see how close he can get to the edge.—We are taught that exact obedience keeps us safe. One of the well know hymns in our Latter-day Saint hymnbook says, "Keep the commandments…in this there is safety and peace." But the fact is that most of our lives are lived in the gray area. And when we realize this truth about ourselves and others, this is where life can get complicated. It starts to feel messy and scary. There isn't always an obvious "line" that when crossed we know we are in with the devil, or that when we are on the right side, we are perfectly safe. It also feels pretty good to think that we can tell our children and loved ones the exact formula for how to avoid the hard things in life. It would feel pretty amazing to know and be able to follow a formula for eternal happiness now and later. Many of us have been told we don't want any "empty chairs" at our family table in eternity.
The truth is that in most areas of our lives, there is a lot of “in between” and we don't know exactly where we stand with God. We can't see the exact place where good turns to bad. Where exactly does obedience stop and disobedience start? This “in between” can also feel very uncomfortable. Very unsafe. We want to be on the side of safety. For many of us, this means being as perfectly obedient as we can. It means being in that comfortably safe (and sometimes self-righteous) place where we can see all the boxes checked. That place where we can prove to ourselves that we have done all the right things. We think that we deserve and have earned the right to be safe and prosperous. Yet, we know from the scriptures that being obedient does not always bring immediate blessings and prosperity. Think about Job. Joseph of Egypt. Abraham, Abinadi, the original 12 apostles.
This "gray area" can feel scary at times and unknown, but the good news is, there is a lot of room there. There is a lot to learn, a lot to be, and a big place to grow. And while it isn't the proven safe and good part, it is also not the damned to hell part either.
While there is much good and safety in the structure of the revealed Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, when someone doesn't find themselves within that structure, whether that be ourselves or someone we love, there is no need to panic. There is no need to worry. There is strength and beauty in the structure, teachings, unity, and support there. But, there is a lot of gray and growing outside of that structure too. And room for love. And that's why if there is not a place for someone inside the structure of the church, there is still always room for all in the congregation of our hearts. There is room for you.